Stuck With The Tide

Here we are. Sitting at anchor far from familiarity. Finding myself in the little town of Fort Pierce, FL. Having sailed about 450 nautical miles and has taken us about 2 weeks to reach this point. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t all of this.

I knew that the journey would be filled with challenges and difficulties, but it seems I still sat heavy with naivety. More things have broken down and fallen apart than I was prepared for. From engine troubles, lines breaking, and sails tearing. Not to mention countless electrical issues that can’t seem to be sorted shy of taking out a plethora of wires, plates and fixtures.

Red sky at night Sailor's Delight

So where does that lead me? Honestly, I’m not sure. I feel adrift (bu dump tss) that my path is hidden and somewhat aimless. It doesn’t come as to much a shock, for the books I’ve read throughout my life have prepared me for this circumstance. Men going out and being taken abroad on tales of adventures. Finding the hidden treasure, fighting countless duels, chasing the girl, fame glory yata yata yata.

What I have to remember is the amount of times they were pulled from where they believed they were headed and taken off course to a unforeseen destination. That is where I find myself in these current days. Taken off the path I had set for myself and left wide open to… What exactly?

I am on a boat hundreds of miles into Florida, all my belongings are here, I have no job and no prospects, with some money in my pocket. Where does that leave me? It does leave me with somewhere to lay my head to rest, at the bare minimum. A moving house with wide ranging possibilities. And I still have my wits about me! Although it seems more and more that I have less of those than I’d like to admit.

My mind rides from one thought to the next. It is evident that I can not sit still here, and there are many days left to this chapter until the next unfolds. Some of my issues lie in the fact I simply do not know what it is I desire. What is it I hope for and want? Blue seas, mountains and adventure… Okay but then what? I still need a living. A girl to love and to be loved by…

But really do I need any of these things? The real question is what would it take to be content with who I am, to be fulfilled with being Caleb Webb. So often if feels as though I am simply not enough, for well, anything. I come close so often to the success’s I want, but fall short.

Zachary discovering the way of the handline (nothing was caught… yet!)

I suppose I cannot say I have made no progress though! Indeed not, for five years ago I set off 2000 miles from the ocean. Now I am in it and surrounded by it! No, my conundrum is not a lack of steps down the path but the question of what is this path I am on. Who do I want to be, and where do I intend to arrive.

Recently I was reminded by someone close to me that it is a sad life for a person to live thinking they always need to do and achieve more… I am that person. The woman I dream of would love me if only I had x y z. The boat would make it if only I’d worked harder earlier and knew more. I would have more money if only I had more experience. The list could go on and on and on.

That is no way to live ones life though. Seeing someone in the mirror (that someone being yourself) and always expecting more of them. What does it mean to strike a balance of being centered and content but not sitting waiting for life to happen. This is a thought that frequently plagues my mind. I grapple with its meaning and practicality on a near daily basis.

One thing is for certain! I have thoroughly enjoyed this experience! To be miles from shore, out of sight of land, with only my skills and smarts at hand! The challenge is electric! Pushed to my limits and being forced to grow past them. What an absolute delight.

Yes, I am where I want to be. Perhaps not literally, but mentally and spiritually. There is much more to run down on this road of mine. I do not crave immediate answers but I do sit and ponder. It seems C. S. Lewis was correct, “Not all who wonder are lost.”